My White Closet

This piece was written on May 28th, 2020, and published June 16th, 2020 not knowing what would happen in the days in between. Not knowing that my Blackness would be on the front of everyone’s minds and the news. Part of me was scared to write this piece when I first started it because I didn’t feel like many people, whites specifically, “would want to hear about it” or believe me. I didn’t know that a civil revolution to fight for Black justice and against white supremacy would happen.

* * *

Deep in my closet is a secret closet full of white employers, bosses, ex-coworkers and ex-friends who have wronged me and others through discriminating, micro-aggressive, ignorant and disrespectful acts, and in there I keep them comfortable. I keep them comfortable by keeping their names and wrongdoings anonymous. I keep them comfortable by telling prospective employers and clients that I “have no complaints” about my past jobs or employers. I keep them comfortable by not calling them out to the public (only internally), by hoping that they as “friend co-workers”, women, “ally men”, etc., will eventually change. I keep my White Closet comfortable.

In 2011 I was given an opportunity to come to Los Angeles to try and squeeze into the film industry. While I have been so grateful for the opportunities and people I’ve met the last almost decade, I constantly face challenges as a mixed-race womxn pushing through to succeed in this white patriarchal-built industry.

I have worked harder to shake off the micro-aggressive, racist, sexist, and ignorant remarks, than many have done to stop and think “is this okay to say?” before speaking. The things I’ve heard men and women say to me and others while on the job is truly bewildering and nauseating.

White man: “Can you come with us to this conference because we need a girl to come with.”

White woman: “I love your fro.” (I have relaxed curly hair, not kinky standing upright hair.)

I’ve been asked to lead a diversity meeting where most of the room insulted Black beauty and excellence, to find comedians of color (I am not a comedian), laughed at when I shared I was assaulted in the train station that morning, told to “not take things personally” when assaulted at work, and fuck dude, the list goes on.

My twenties have been spent working in the film industry and let me tell you it has truly been Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Just watching the industry learn cultural accountability from having almost none back when I started in 2011, and now in 2020, they’re starting to gauge and accept the reality of accountability. My career has been colorful, and often challenging to work my way up the ladder. Half of my career I’ve worked long-term positions within production companies and the other half on short-term gigs. I felt like starting over in climbing the ladder in every new job was normal. Promotions rarely came my way, except for when I asked for them via long talks or bullet-pointed emails about why I deserved the job opening above mine, and even then it was rarely awarded to me. What am I missing to make my primarily white employers believe I deserve these promotions? Am I lacking the confidence I see in my white peers? Having a film school degree? Being a man? The inherent trust that comes with whiteness when you “see yourself” in others? Well — I have built up lots of confidence, don’t plan to go into debt for film school any time soon, and will never be a man, but when your systems are set up for failure with no infrastructure or accountability (that’s film and tv for you!) I can only do my best. My Blackness will be with me on every job so get used to it.

One company I worked for, I worked 5 entry level positions before getting to middle management. In that same company I saw men go from researchers to executives, assistants to supervisors, in a single leap. Did someone give me the wrong ladder to climb? I felt like mine had more steps while my white peers had less, therefore allowing them to get to the top faster with less work.

“I’m a Virgo” and I like to work, so I figured it was fine.

I didn’t finish college and they did, so I figured it was fine.

I saw other BIPOC facing the same obstacles, so I figured it was fine.

Almost ten years in this industry, and I’m not fine. Outside of our Hollywood barricaded “safe” walls, the world is simultaneously busting down the pillars that hold up white patriarchy while others try to rebuild those pillars to “make America great again.” Before the #MeToo movement, men (as a whole) felt secure and women (as a whole) felt scared to speak up. When we did we were told we were being “dramatic”, “sensitive”, a “drama queen”, or flat out ignored. So I figured, going forward more women would be having each other’s backs through this next chapter of progress.

Nope, I was wrong.

I’ve faced wild conversations with primarily white women in the last few years, and my favorite that I still get asked by some white women is “why do you hate white people?” I don’t hate white people. I believe white people as a collective could, should, and need to do better. In the past I’ve been abandoned by friends and coworkers to stand on my own and make my own cases and fight my own fights. Eventually the cases piled up and I got tired, so I left Los Angeles for a short hiatus in 2017. During that time, I got asked by a production company to direct a short video, I accepted, I did the damn thing, it looked great, the clients were happy.

Months later I met up with the producer that hired me for the short video to catch up, and I took the time to ask for feedback (again, I’m a Virgo, I love and can take feedback (most of the time.)) I respected her work and journey and wanted to hear what she thought of my performance as a Director. She said I did great, was more prepared than her and the other director, and the only note was to not look at my computer so much for notes during the interview. Solid review and note, definitely would use that going forward. I was under the impression from that conversation and a few other following ones that for their next round of videos that they would hire me again.

It hasn’t felt necessary to mention her race yet, but for the story going forward it does, this producer who is a woman is white.

A month after this catch up/review that producer asked to be in a video they were making to use for future fundraising. I was asked to show up as myself *as a director* which was so exciting. A couple months after shooting that video, they did the fundraiser and I was invited to show up to help represent the crew. During the fundraiser event they asked all the involved directors and crew to stand up/raise their hand, so I proudly made myself seen and that I was a part of this team.

Through the grapevine I heard they got funding and were ramping into production, so I knew it was only a matter of time until I got a call.

I never got a call.

They went into production and their Instagram showed them filming all over the country with new directors, none of the original crew seemed to be there, so I happily assumed they wanted to expand their roster which I thought that was great. A white woman as producer leading a sort of diverse film crew around the country, I guess I was on board and just had to support. Because that’s what us women do, right? We support each other? Isn’t that why the #MeToo movement is significant? Why we held that (bullshit) Women’s March? To gather and unite?

No.

Cut to more months later and I get an email from the team of the client (not the production company that hired me) I did the short video for back in 2017. On that email was also cc’d the producer of the company who initially hired me, the one who gave me great feedback about my last job with them. We all hopped on a call and it seemed like it went well: I was asked to direct this next campaign video! After the call, the producer called me one-on-one and after beating around the bush, she required that I audition to receive this directing job. The job that the client just asked *me* to direct. Because they’ve already worked with me and liked me and my work enough to ask me back. But because she is the one that “gave me this opportunity in the first place” (my own words and in quotes because it’s bullshit), I respected her request. I sent her some of my work, which was pretty bare, because, even to her knowledge, I hadn’t shot or directed much of anything in the last year and a half due to taking care of my own personal health. (Something the film industry makes little room for — another story for another time.)

A couple of (long) days later they got back to me and said they’d be going with someone else to direct the campaign. They wanted someone “more seasoned.” Seasoned. An interesting word to use to say that I’m “inexperienced” and not up to her standards. While I was heartbroken, I also “figured it was fine.” An opportunity for a BIPOC, I hoped. Instead, they offered me to join one of their shoots abroad to “shadow” another director. “Great!” I said. Although I was seemingly honored, I can’t quite recall all the specifics of the conversation, but I do remember feeling confused when I got off the phone.

So, they want to give the opportunity to someone more “seasoned.” I couldn’t stop harping on this and trying to understand what made me not “seasoned” enough for the job. I had been in film for 8 years at that point. Directed dozens of projects, though many with small shoestring budgets, but I had produced dozens with large robust budgets. Nonetheless I had already worked with her production company and with the client who asked us to make another video. What made me not “seasoned” enough for this woman to trust me.

If I was white, came in with more confidence, and had a college degree, would I have been more eligible? If I had those things would my projects have been greenlit, better received, less watered down, and then granted me access to directing larger budgeted projects? Would I then be “seasoned” enough for you?

Taking a pause to cry here, because fuck dude, sorry to break my informal tone in this piece I’ve been trying to write as factually as possible, but this sucks. My whole career has included navigating around white people, tone, attitudes and environments. Hoping my quarter bit of whiteness, “articulate” voice, years of working on the ground of the film industry, and polite attitude would get me farther, but along with the downsides of stepping away from my Black and Brown roots, it has also oddly enough made white people feel more comfortable around me. And when they’re comfortable around me they say and do more dumb and ignorant things around me. And then I’m stuck with these weird and fucked up scenarios. So I put them in my White Closet.

I don’t have any more room in my White Closet for you, Sarah.

So you might be wondering, who got hired instead to direct that short video I wasn’t so-called “seasoned” enough to direct? The director ended up being the producer who denied me the job, the aforementioned Sarah. Yes, she has directed for big clients and by her standards probably “seasoned” enough, but I was hoping as a WHITE WOMAN she would have done better and hired someone WORTHY of telling the story of this video we were asked to make, a story about a BLACK woman.

I truly hoped it would be some badass womxn or person of color from some random state that was going to get an awesome opportunity. Someone that deserved to to tell this camera subject’s story. Which, by the way, the concept of the video is about how many times she as a Black woman has been told “No” and how she’s fought for her right to get to where she is. Funny and ironic, right?

I don’t think I need to break down why this is wrong and what I feel. I think if you’ve read up to this point, you can probably feel and understand why I’m so angry, sad, and disappointed.

What I do want to say as I wind this down, is this isn’t the first time a white woman I trusted has wronged me. I’m not going to sit here and say I haven’t gotten what I wanted ALWAYS because I’m Black, Brown and a womxn. Sometimes, people don’t mix, maybe I’ve made errors, the job wasn’t for me, etc. But I will say, it’s hard to take race out of this situation when it’s so blatantly there.

I wasn’t sure how to end this, and then the revolution started in response to George Floyd and Breonna Taylor’s deaths. There are white people in my life who are stepping up, there are white people not reacting, there are Black people continuing to speak up, but now white people listen, there is a new racial accountability being implemented amongst the people. I ask that you pay attention to this, the power in white mass organizing, in white supremacy. Black people, brown folks, the gay community, disability advocates, all marginalized groups, we’ve been doing the work, we’ve been creating safe spaces, we’ve been struggling for funding to continue the work, but now white people as a whole are doing work. They’re donating, sharing Black stories, supporting Black-owned businesses, and our profits are increasing. Pay attention to the power of the white people and how they move as a whole. Pay attention to the media coverage and collective response to the Women’s March versus these Black Lives Matter led and inspired protests. Pay attention to the revolution.

If you still don’t get it, you feel like this revolution doesn’t affect you, I’ll leave you with this:

Once in a nerdy movie conversation about why the marvel superhero movie Dr. Strange sucked (battle me in my DMs let’s go), I made my points about why watching a white superhero be grumpy and sad about nothing as he was forced to save the world and the white washing of Tilda Swinton’s character upset me, and someone said to me “I didn’t think about it like that.” Before I could react, the white man next to me said “well some people don’t always have the privilege to ignore that.”

If you can be silent in conversations, meetings, online, in interactions, that’s a privilege. If you’re scared, that’s real. If it feels wrong or racist, it probably is.

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