Disappointment with God

When I was in my early twenties I stopped praying for myself. I was young and in search of something great in my life, be it love or money, but it seemed like every time I really prayed for something I didn’t get it. Over and over I would get my hopes up, and be brutally let down.

I felt cursed. After a number of disappointments and failings, it just made sense that praying wasn’t getting me any where but disappointed… so I gave it up. I would only pray if it was for someone else (I guess I didn’t think my curse would affect other people).

On the other hand, though, a lot of other things seemed to naturally fall into place for me. I never really struggled for much, I had friends to enjoy life with, and was starting to gain a sense of independence.

At some point I realized that as long as I didn’t pray, I couldn’t be disappointed; I could only be pleasantly surprised.

Fast forward to my late-twenties, early-30s and, although my mindset wasn’t as steadfast on not praying, I still never really went all out to pray for what I wanted. I shifted comfortably into the idea that whatever was meant for me would be mine eventually so my prayers became simple: Whatever you want, God, I trust you.

For all intents and purposes, that’s a pretty good way to think of it. It was a way-less-cynical mindset, it gave God control and left me with faith… I just refused to participate in the process. After all, God knows the desires of your heart, right?

This way of thinking held me up for a number of years. I watched my life unfold and miracles happen and I could easily say it was all God’s doing because I, very literally, was not involved. I took risks, put myself out there a few times, and saw a great return on investment. In my mind God was doing His thing and I was just along for the ride.

Then, a few months ago, I wanted something. I discovered a Ph.D. program that made my heart do backflips. The idea of studying in this program had me mentally moving my whole life to another (colder, greyer) city in order to study to my heart’s content.

I began my application process early, making sure to check off all the tasks carefully and strategically. I over-paid for an updated resume. I was even studying for the godforsaken GRE! When I visited the website, which I did often to read and reread their offerings and styles, I discovered that at the last minute they removed the GRE requirement and I just knew this was God’s sign that the program was made for me… it was ordained.

I hadn’t allowed myself to want something so badly in a decade. Every time I felt worry that I might not get in, I pushed those thoughts aside, holding onto my faith that God’s plan was about to manifest in my life and nothing and no one would take that away. I prayed, I asked, and I trusted.

And I didn’t get in.

The first time in my adult life that I wanted something so badly I prayed for it, believed so fully that God was sending me signs that it was mine, and invested myself into a fully faithful, optimistic mindset… I was dealt the worst blow I could think of: a big fat ‘no’.

Now, I don’t write this blog to lie… so I am going to tell the truth. I was pissed. And for a good hour I was telling God about Himself. I literally said (aloud!) “like yo, you just do you, and I’ma just do me, and if we meet in the middle, cool but I really don’t see the point any more.” I was thinking, ‘see this is why I don’t pray to you, it always leads to disappointment!’

I even rambled off to my friend “Here’s my thing… I didn’t ask to be here. Why did God make me just to constantly be ‘testing’ me by consistently letting me down… and I’m supposed to be like ‘no big deal, I can handle it! When humans disappoint us we’re told to set boundaries… what are we supposed to do when God does??”

I knew the anger would wear off eventually, and I knew that I still had faith that God’s plans are perfect. But I couldn’t help but wonder why these plans come with so much sadness and frustration.

I thought about it all day and this is what I came up with:

I don’t freakin’ know.

I don’t know why a relationship with God often feels one-sided. And I don’t know why disappointment is the cross we bear. I don’t know why resiliency seems to be the chosen measurement to indicate our level of love for God. I kinda thought I would have an idea by the time I wrote this blog but I just don’t.

There’s only 2 things I know… and one is that I don’t, and won’t ever, know. I am not equipped to understand how or why God moves the way God moves. I cannot comprehend, and wouldn’t try to explain why we have the experiences we have. None of us can. We can try to analyze and contemplate and use logic or even emotion to try to understand our lives but we will never really know the true essence of our plan; we can only experience it as it unfolds and try to connect the dots as we go.

The other thing I know is that there is a plan. I imagine its a plan so much bigger than me that I may never know just how far it reaches. Maybe I didn’t get into that program because someone else needed me not to. Maybe my no, was a part of someone else’s plan… if I hadn’t applied, maybe it would have had an affect on someone else whose application was meant to be compared to mine… Maybe I had to be disappointed so that the entire world would be in sync.

Actually not maybe, definitely.

I’m not saying I’m not disappointed, or I’m over it- I’m not. I feel really let down and I feel disconnected. But there is comfort in knowing that if that wasn’t in my plans there is something else out there that will be. I know people always say ‘there’s something better waiting for you,’ and I don’t know if I love that phrase. Better is a funny word. There certainly is something else waiting for me, I just don’t know who is defining the word better.

I don’t want to stop praying, in fact this had made me only want to pray more. If there’s any chance of me getting any better at hearing God, at reading the signs God sends, and at following a path that was written in the stars than its worth it to be confused and keep praying.

As far as asking for things… I think I will keep doing that. The only way I’ll be able to look back on my life and be grateful for the prayers that weren’t answered is to start doing some praying.

Even if that means I have to deal with a little disappointment.

xo

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