Go for the Gutter

Misadventures of a shouldn’t-be bowler

I was cursed at birth by the Demon of Paradox.

My particular torment is that I yearn to engage in activities for which I have no talent.

Nothing wrong with that, you may think; I said “engage in,” not “excel at.”

What would be the harm in my participating in, say, a sing-along, so long as the group is large enough to put my voice out of their misery?

And who’s to care whether my bowl of apples looks like a buffoonery of orangutans, provided I’m not on a mural project?

As to dancing, why does it matter if I thrash about like a pissed-off puffer fish? No need to toss me out of the tank. (Four club managers disagree with me on this.)

Speaking of lack of coordination, I’m painfully reminded of my ill-fated bowling career, about which I shall share this cautionary tale.

Long ago (not telling) and far away, there lived a girl named Liz, who aspired to join a bowling league.

Every Wednesday afternoon, Liz would wander hopefully into the local bowling alley and watch in envy as her classmates racked up the points.

One day, someone was out sick, so they let Liz stand in.

Her performance was memorable.

She tossed a dozen gutter balls in succession.

She topped off that stunt by tossing a ball that bounded into the neighboring lane.

Before it bounced into the gutter, it smashed the glass backsplash on the wall behind the pins.

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